sardine
06-23-2005, 01:10 AM
Written by sardine</span>
Captain Kangarude with "Attitude"[/i][/b]
"Good Morning, Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Kangarude, CAPTAIN Kangarude. First Officer Sy Kosis and I will be your flight crew this morning. Our team philosophy is that if you do not bother us, we will not have security waiting for you when you reach your destination. So, where are we headed today, Sy? Sy?! :angry: Don't get your panties in a bunch folks, we will figure it out and get back to you. Now, fasten your seat belts, put your tray tables and seat backs in their full upright and locked positions, and surrender all of your trash to the mega attitude as he/she stomps up the aisle, as we prepare for takeoff a "tad" behind schedule."
Hours and hours later: "We will be landing [twelve hours late] in Beijing in approximately ten minutes. Thank you for flying Humor-U, the flagship of the Jowly Junk-It Airlines fleet. We appreciate your business and hope you will defy the angel of death and fly with us again soon.
Come again?! This is the Boston flight?! Oops… :huh: Well, it looks like you will be flying with us again - soon! It will be our pleasure to continue to express our hostility and make you as uncomfortable as possible for another 18 hours. To make up for this minor inconvenience, we will allow you to use our squalid lavatories twice during our flight to Boston! Now folks, just sit back and embrace your discomfort, along with an attitude of gratitude, that I quickly reversed the direction of our flying tube with extremities before the Chinese shot this UFI (Unidentified Foreign Idiot) clean out of the air! Hey, am I GOOD or WHAT? :D
Your flight guards, now off the clock, are enjoying their much-anticipated Tupperware Party in the main galley. Host persons, flight guards Doora Stopp and Atta Tuude, as well as first officer Sy Kosis, are trying to win Tupperware's grand prize: a Tupperware Igloo vacation home in Barrow, Alaska, which is maintenance-free, insulated, and has a prime oceanfront location. Just burp the door behind you and enjoy airtight vacation comfort! Please help them win this fabulous prize of a lifetime by requesting a free Tupperware catalog and purchasing your House Full-o’-Tupperware Collector’s Edition from Ivan B. Kane's guide dog, Peg Leg the pit bull. Peg has graciously agreed to stroll the aisles with some catalogs and order forms tucked into his harness. After you have completed your mandatory orders, Peg will patrol the aircraft to collect your payments and completed order forms. Cash and all major credit cards are accepted – no personal checks please.
Speaking of credit cards, please remove those ‘platinums' from your wallet prior to arriving at the gate in Boston so that our efficient gate collection agents can hit you for the additional cost of this one-way, full-fare, no frequent flier miles, no service flight. :o
Almost forgot... Peg will be coming around with the collection plate. Please surrender all of your available cash, for if you don't, we will do a very nasty thing that rhymes with cash! We must make a brief stop in Tokyo for fuel, but they don't take American Express. What's that Sy? Our no limit American Express card is maxed out? A few insignificant wrong turns and AMEX shuts us off? What happened to good old American customer service?! Dig deep folks -- enough fuel for the trip to Boston is a very 'weighty propostion'!!" Captain Kangarude collected just enough cash to fill his aircraft with fuel in Tokyo, which came with a free airplane wash -- a promotional special for cash sales on Tuesdays. B)
"Attention passengers who don't know whether they are coming or going -- HA HA HA HA!!! Airline humor! You already know those silly seat, tray, and belts rules, so see to it now! I think we can cut into slot 15 for takeoff if I intimidate a few light aircraft. Hey folks, did any of you notice the panic :o in the eyes of those four fllight crews when I jockeyed this monster into position in front of them?! Captain Kangarude rules: We will be taking off very soon. I will stop yakking so that you can begin to enjoy the full impact of your 18-hour insomnia -- all the way back to Boston. I must rush to the galley, as soon as I engage the autopilot, to burp some of the most alluring Tupperware to hit the skies in decades. Move over Victoria's Secret, we've got Tupperware on this bird! ;)
Thank you for flying Jowly Junk-It Airlines. We appreciate your ignorance." :P
Captain Dudley (Dud) Kangarude
Captain Kangarude with "Attitude"[/i][/b]
"Good Morning, Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Kangarude, CAPTAIN Kangarude. First Officer Sy Kosis and I will be your flight crew this morning. Our team philosophy is that if you do not bother us, we will not have security waiting for you when you reach your destination. So, where are we headed today, Sy? Sy?! :angry: Don't get your panties in a bunch folks, we will figure it out and get back to you. Now, fasten your seat belts, put your tray tables and seat backs in their full upright and locked positions, and surrender all of your trash to the mega attitude as he/she stomps up the aisle, as we prepare for takeoff a "tad" behind schedule."
Hours and hours later: "We will be landing [twelve hours late] in Beijing in approximately ten minutes. Thank you for flying Humor-U, the flagship of the Jowly Junk-It Airlines fleet. We appreciate your business and hope you will defy the angel of death and fly with us again soon.
Come again?! This is the Boston flight?! Oops… :huh: Well, it looks like you will be flying with us again - soon! It will be our pleasure to continue to express our hostility and make you as uncomfortable as possible for another 18 hours. To make up for this minor inconvenience, we will allow you to use our squalid lavatories twice during our flight to Boston! Now folks, just sit back and embrace your discomfort, along with an attitude of gratitude, that I quickly reversed the direction of our flying tube with extremities before the Chinese shot this UFI (Unidentified Foreign Idiot) clean out of the air! Hey, am I GOOD or WHAT? :D
Your flight guards, now off the clock, are enjoying their much-anticipated Tupperware Party in the main galley. Host persons, flight guards Doora Stopp and Atta Tuude, as well as first officer Sy Kosis, are trying to win Tupperware's grand prize: a Tupperware Igloo vacation home in Barrow, Alaska, which is maintenance-free, insulated, and has a prime oceanfront location. Just burp the door behind you and enjoy airtight vacation comfort! Please help them win this fabulous prize of a lifetime by requesting a free Tupperware catalog and purchasing your House Full-o’-Tupperware Collector’s Edition from Ivan B. Kane's guide dog, Peg Leg the pit bull. Peg has graciously agreed to stroll the aisles with some catalogs and order forms tucked into his harness. After you have completed your mandatory orders, Peg will patrol the aircraft to collect your payments and completed order forms. Cash and all major credit cards are accepted – no personal checks please.
Speaking of credit cards, please remove those ‘platinums' from your wallet prior to arriving at the gate in Boston so that our efficient gate collection agents can hit you for the additional cost of this one-way, full-fare, no frequent flier miles, no service flight. :o
Almost forgot... Peg will be coming around with the collection plate. Please surrender all of your available cash, for if you don't, we will do a very nasty thing that rhymes with cash! We must make a brief stop in Tokyo for fuel, but they don't take American Express. What's that Sy? Our no limit American Express card is maxed out? A few insignificant wrong turns and AMEX shuts us off? What happened to good old American customer service?! Dig deep folks -- enough fuel for the trip to Boston is a very 'weighty propostion'!!" Captain Kangarude collected just enough cash to fill his aircraft with fuel in Tokyo, which came with a free airplane wash -- a promotional special for cash sales on Tuesdays. B)
"Attention passengers who don't know whether they are coming or going -- HA HA HA HA!!! Airline humor! You already know those silly seat, tray, and belts rules, so see to it now! I think we can cut into slot 15 for takeoff if I intimidate a few light aircraft. Hey folks, did any of you notice the panic :o in the eyes of those four fllight crews when I jockeyed this monster into position in front of them?! Captain Kangarude rules: We will be taking off very soon. I will stop yakking so that you can begin to enjoy the full impact of your 18-hour insomnia -- all the way back to Boston. I must rush to the galley, as soon as I engage the autopilot, to burp some of the most alluring Tupperware to hit the skies in decades. Move over Victoria's Secret, we've got Tupperware on this bird! ;)
Thank you for flying Jowly Junk-It Airlines. We appreciate your ignorance." :P
Captain Dudley (Dud) Kangarude